Confession

This is not a talk or article, but I found Dr. Elia's comments insightful. Having had a similar concern (not the same sin, but certainly my own skeletons in the closet) to the writer, I appreciated Dr. Elia's insight regarding forgiveness of self.  It was and has been for me the biggest trial of the repentance process.  Take it for what it's worth:

Ask Dr. Elia: When do I disclose past sins to loved ones?
Author: Elia Gourgouris

Dear Dr. Elia,

I love reading your column on Mormon Times, and appreciate how you've addressed the issue of pornography. I had a pornography addiction from my late teens, off and on, through almost 17 years of marriage. My wife never knew until four-and-a-half years ago, when I finally told her — I had overcome the addiction about three years earlier, with no relapse (and now, almost eight years later I'm still free, with no sense of weakness or teetering but still wary and vigilant).

Needless to say, it was devastating. She sunk into deep depression, went through anger, rage, and such sadness and hurt that it was almost unbearable, for both of us. It strained our marriage, though neither of us ever seriously considered separating.

Through my addiction, I had self-deceived to the point where I had never confessed to an ecclesiastical leader. I thought I could beat this myself and confess to the Lord. I now realize how foolish that was. So when I confessed to my wife, she had me meet with our bishop where I did confess, and finally at that point, was able to complete the repentance process. The loss of my recommend for a time was painful, but necessary to fulfill the process, and now, to make the long story short, my dear wife is finally mostly healed for the past year, and she expresses trust in me again and the most love and appreciation that she's ever expressed in our marriage.

I too am reborn in the love that I am able to share with her, and though she never in a million years would have said this would happen, she even refers to this terrible trial in our lives as something that she'd do over again (she says she'd marry me again, even knowing all of this), for the wonderful growth it has resulted in for both of us

I say all of that as a preface to a question that's been bothering me for some time. When my bishop heard my confession, he was visibly shaken and about the first thing he said pierced me to the core — he said, "there are so many people who look up to you..." I was stung with how I had deceived them by my longstanding actions, although I had struggled to overcome it and indeed had gone for months, and even years at a time, at times, without falling. Yet my overall addiction was not cured.

My question to you is this: Am I still deceiving those around me, the vast majority of whom do not know about my past addiction, who currently look up to me as an example? I honestly try to do my best in my family and church callings, and have been so greatly blessed ever since overcoming this...I feel the Spirit on a regular basis, and serve regularly in the temple...am currently holding a prominent calling in my ward. And I do not feel any inclination toward ever relapsing, while still remaining vigilant. But I know I'm looked up to, and I don't know if that's even fair...if they knew my past, would they hold me in such esteem?

Or perhaps would it help them to know what I've gone through, would it be a kind of strength, and should I share the lessons I've learned in public (four years ago, I never would have dreamed of disclosing publicly my past addiction, but now, if it would be the "right" thing to do, I'd seriously consider it)?

I feel a desire to share this with close friends, so as not to feel like I'm "hiding" something from them, like otherwise I'm being seen falsely by them. Do you think it would be unwise to disclose something like this? I've read counsel by some of the general authorities that we should not disclose personal sins to our children, for example, as it may cause negative influence on them. I don't know how disclosing my past would have an effect on others...but I'm feeling more and more like I'm not being totally honest with others unless I do. I feel conflicted, and would appreciate your counsel.

Thank you,
A troubled "brother"

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Dear troubled brother,

I can't even begin to express how impressed I am with your honesty, humility and willingness to choose the right. Clearly the healing process of overcoming your addiction has paid great dividends. When making a decision about disclosing our "personal sins" to others, there's one main question that needs to be answered. Would this disclosure cause more pain, disappointment, and have a negative impact on others as compared to the potential help it might offer?

President Brigham Young took the following approach towards members disclosing sins to others: "Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take the person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it." (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1954, 158).

Clearly you have confessed this to your ecclesiastical leader and your spouse. You have gone through the repentance process and made amends by living a life of complete sobriety. Your relationship with your dear wife is better than ever before. I wonder however, if you have completely forgiven yourself? The only reason why I say that, is because after all these years your mind, heart and soul should be completely at peace — the kind of peace that comes from self-forgiveness.

Obviously, I'm leaning towards putting this behind you, and continuing to serve the Lord, your family and all those around you. There will be many opportunities to bless other people's lives without disclosing your past mistakes. You are not being a hypocrite plain and simple. Everyone has a past, except for the Savior. Enjoy the blessings of sobriety, the invaluable lessons and growth you have achieved, and the new closeness you have with your wife. Help those in need around you and continue to be a good example.

You're not required to do anything more. Be at peace with yourself and enjoy the blessing of the Atonement — it's not just for everyone else, it's for you too!

God bless,
Dr. Elia